I can't believe that it has already been four years since you left us. That sad day seems like it was just yesterday, yet so much has changed---some for the good, some for the not-so-good.
I carry you with me in my heart. You are always on my mind and at work when I miss you, I listen to your voice on the talking picture frame you gave me for Christmas. I treasure it because it brings you close to me, even though you seem so very far away.
You are our little saint and you always will be. I try to think of you in heaven and I try to console myself by acknowledging that our time on earth is just a blip on the radar screen. Time has no end and neither do our souls. You just moved on a little bit earlier than the rest of us.
I will see you again one day and our family will be complete. This whole painful time will just seem like a sad dream. Hold me in your heart today as I will hold you in mine.
It's funny that with the shortening of days and the coming of fall that I am reminded about the story of Persephone and Demeter.
Demeter was the goddess of the earth and she had a daughter named Persephone, whom she loved dearly. Persephone was very beautiful and because her mother loved her so much, the earth was always as it is in summer---bright, beautiful and bountiful. One day when Persephone was grown, Hades, the god of the dark underworld kidnapped her for his bride. For days, Demeter wandered the earth looking for her daughter---and because she was so sad, the earth became a cold, desolate place. The humans on earth were suffering and eventually, Zeus sent Hermes to fetch Persephone back so that Demeter would be happy again and allow the earth to blossom. Hades however, had tricked Persephone into eating a pomegranate. So, for six months out of the year, she would be permitted to visit with ther mother, but the other six, she must spend in the underworld with her husband.
And that was how the ancient Greeks and Romans explained the change of seasons. In the spring, as Persephone makes her way to earth, her mother is happy and things grow and bloom. But as the fall comes and Persephone leaves, Demeter grows sad and mourns the loss of her daughter---the world again becomes dark and cold.
Sometimes I think of myself this way, missing my little girl---but like in the story, I have to hope that one day we will be reunited.
Although I did not know Victoria or her family, I felt it necessary to send my thoughts, as earlier today, I heard of people googling(sp?) their names, so I did so. My name is Victoria Hillman.... And doing so, I came across your story.
I am a mother of two children, and though I have not a drop of comparison to what you must have, and are still going through, I can only say that from today forward, you, and your beautiful Victoria, will be in my thoughts, and my every prayer.
Victoria, when you died our world came to a grinding halt. Part of our lives died as well. I remember coming home from the hospital that morning after you went to heaven simply amazed at how the world was waking up and going on---just as though nothing happened! We still miss you and think about you every day. The tears still flow. You would have started high school this year---a bright and beautiful student. I miss that so very much.
There have been some changes in our lives. Your brother Nicky started college---with a scholarship no less! He is studing to be a nurse. (Could you have had something to do with that, I wonder?) I have a new job as the youth services consultant for the county libraries. Your picture is on my desk and whenever I miss hearing your voice, I press the audio recording and hear you speak. You tell me that you "love what I do" which gives me confidence. Daddy got his pilot's license. He says that flying makes him feel closer to you. Whenever I go up in a plane now, I look hard to see if you are bouncing on a cloud somewhere.
What stays the same is the love we have for you. We miss you and think of you every day. Reminders of you are everywhere and as painful as they can be, I embrace them. You will always be a part of our lives. XXXOOOO
no subject / Cicely Schuring
i went to school with Victoria till the 5th grade. I just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of, and praying for you always and that i try to visit her page as often as possible. Close
Forgive me. It has been so hard to visit your page. I don't know why, because it usually brings me comfort. When I think of how my life has changed in the past three years, I want to just scream and scream. I am so angry with everything. I am angry with God for taking you from us. I am angry with those "wonderful" support groups that want to sugar-coat everything and refuse to see my pain. I am angry with your brother for how he has added to our pain. I am angry that I have to go to a cemetary to be with you. I am angry that I have waited patiently for something to surface to bring me some comfort and direction. I keep on playing it like it isn't broken and faking it. I get up every day and go through the routine---and everyone thnks I am fine and handling this so well. But I am not fine. Far from it. How many more years must I put up with this hell on earth?
I want our lives back. I want to be your mother again, waking you up for school each day, brushing your hair, fighting with you over wearing your coat and beaming with the pride of having such a beautiful, intelligent daughter. I don't want to be where I am now--and I know there is no going back. The frustrating thing is that this was NOT anyone's poor decision or choice---this was inflicted on us! It is beyond unfair. It stinks!
I can't tell you how much I love you and miss you. You are always on my mind and on my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't remember you. You are so precious to me.
Candle Lighting Memorial Service / Mommy
Last night was the annual candle light memorial service at CHOP. As usual, I went with Mrs. Falchetta. It is very hard to drive down to the hospital---the route holds so many memories. I feel like I am in a time warp, that if I just glance into my rear view mirror, I will see you there. Even at the hospital, I resist the urge to pull into the Wood building parking lot. According to the directions we were sent, those attending the service were to park in the Curie parking garage---completely alien location! But, being someone who always follows instructions, I do. Diane and I walk over to the Abramson building where the ceremony will take place. Some things do not change and again I am caught in that time warp. I look at the benches outside the center and remember Daddy and I sitting on them on a beautiful summer day, waiting for the bus bringing you home from the Ronald McDonald camp. It is all so crystal clear. I look across the street at the Wood building and count up four floors to the oncology clinic. Again, the time warp carries me to another day---the first time you were brought to the clinic for a check up following your surgery. I looked out that picture window to the area below, where I am standing now, not truly believing what was happening---that my daughter had cancer, that we were here to see an oncologist, that our lives would change forever. I see the windows of the playroom, the doctors offices and I remember clearly the other rooms I cannot see---the exam rooms, the treatment rooms---and I smile as I remember you referring to your doctor as “the elusive Dr. Belasco.” I think of Dr. Belasco, and I bless her. I remember the day you died, she told me without reservation “I love your daughter.” Even though her job did not always have the happy ending we would have wanted, she was not afraid to love you. Diane and I enter the building and pick up our candles. The weather is questionable, so they are having the ceremony inside. We go into the cafeteria which has been cleared of tables and chairs. There is a large screen. They intend to project your picture when they read your name. I remember another day, the day we found out that you were going to die. Daddy and I had to wait for your chemotherapy---a clinical trial---to be sent to CHOP from Boston. We sat in this cafeteria having lunch while we waited. I can honestly say that I now know exactly what paper tastes like from that experience. Woody is here, playing his music. I bless him, too. I remember how he used to entertain you while you waited for your appointments in the clinic and how he visited your hospital rooms. I remember the day you were cranky and didn’t feel like music, so he did some magic tricks for you. They read the names now. The list has grown so long---too long! All of the families stand and are silent as we listen to the names and watch your pictures on the screen. Of course, you are my star, but I look at the others. Some are babies that only lived less than a day. Some are children your age. Some are young adults. Some died from cancer. Others from heart defects or birth defects. None of you deserved this. None of these families, who stand so patiently and honor you, deserve this. The unfairness of it all hits me and I am angry with God. We call you angels and children called before your time because God knows you are “special”---but the truth is, we would all rather have you here with us. For 20 minutes, as your names are read, you are all alive again. We see you as you were and always now will be. There is a baby caught in the middle of a giggle. A boy your age posing in his baseball uniform. A teenager toting a surfboard along the beach. A girl in her Communion dress. And of course, you---standing on a windswept beach in Nantucket, wisps from your blonde ponytail blowing in the wind looking like a typical summer girl. All of you are beautiful. The service concludes and we go home. We are relatively quiet for such a large crowd. Everyone is very courteous and caring. We treat each other very tenderly. We know we are all part of a special fraternity that no body wants to belong to. When we got home, I relit my candle and put it by your picture. Dearest child, know that you will always be in my heart. I treasure each moment I had with you and pray that I will be worthy to see you again. XXXXOOOO Close
Thinking of you precious Angel Victoria. HUGS & KISSES.. / Kay~Mom To Angel Ashley Mohr~ Read >>
Thinking of you precious Angel Victoria. HUGS & KISSES.. / Kay~Mom To Angel Ashley Mohr~ Close
Thinking of you on your Angel day Victoria. / Beverly Brown (Thomas Allen) (Visitor)Read >>
Thinking of you on your Angel day Victoria. / Beverly Brown (Thomas Allen) (Visitor)
Birthdays are special / Mommy
The happiest of days are when babies are born. It was a very happy day when you came and made our family complete. You are so beautiful and clever and you brought so much joy to our lives. You will always be my precious child and I will forever hold you in my heart until we can soar across the clouds together. Be with me today and always. Your loving mommy Close
What a Beautiful Child... / Wendy Norbom (passerby/mother)Read >>
What a Beautiful Child... / Wendy Norbom (passerby/mother)
I crossed paths with your website by accident and saw the glorious picture of your daughter's First Holy Communion. I had to stop and learn more about this beautiful little girl. My daughter will celebrate her First Holy Communion next Sunday and I am so proud of her faith and love of God. I began to feel great sadness that such a special child who is so clearly loved and so very loving would have to leave you at such a tender age. You must miss her terribly, every moment of every day. Reading your story is like facing your worst fears for your child. I cannot even imagine losing my daughter and I want you to know that I will pray that God will give you continued strength. Know that your precious angel is waiting with open arms for the day she will hold you again. You may have to wait a while, but there will be nothing more beautiful than when you reunite in heaven. Victoria looks like she could be everyone's little girl - strikingly beautiful and very bright. It also looks like she had a glorious life with such a wonderful family who loved her so dearly. Know that your grief is felt very deeply by many parents who have faced such a horrible loss and by those also, who hold this kind of loss as their biggest fear. There is truly nothing more painful than the loss of your child. God hold you close and bring you all comfort as wee Victoria shines her brilliant light from heaven above. We will look up to the stars tonight and blow her a kiss. Close
Something To Wish You A Happy Easter, Sweet Victoria.. / Family Of Angel Devon Dupont Read >>
Something To Wish You A Happy Easter, Sweet Victoria.. / Family Of Angel Devon Dupont Close
Happy St. Patrick's Day / Dianne/Mom Of Angel Nicholas White Read >>
Happy St. Patrick's Day / Dianne/Mom Of Angel Nicholas White
Love and miss you / Mommy
Things have been really difficult lately. With the arrival of Diana came so much stress. I think back to the way our family had been such a short time ago and it pains me to know that we will never have that again. I think of Victoria---she is my comfort now. She loved us so very much and we need all the love we can get these days. So much has happened that she is practically being pushed out of our lives. We cannot mourn her as we would like and that is painful. I know she cannot be here in person, but I want to carry her with me in my heart and I still have not figured out a way to do that. Close
Valentine Wishes / Dianne/Mom Of Angel Nicholas White Read >>
Valentine Wishes / Dianne/Mom Of Angel Nicholas White
Tributes and Condolences
I know she cannot be here in person, but I want to carry her with me in my heart and I still have not figured out a way to do that. 
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